Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes & Jokes To Make Your Day

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true.

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I don’t look older, I just look worse.

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[{"selector":"#anim-f9123405-5fee-4e8b-ac28-c9a3616bf180 [data-leaf-element=\"true\"]","keyframes":{"transform":["translate3d(-34.179687404002955%, 0, 0)","translate3d(0%, 0, 0)"]},"delay":0,"duration":2000,"easing":"cubic-bezier(.3,0,.55,1)","fill":"both"}] I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh but I love them so they stay.

[{"selector":"#anim-82419dfd-b724-4488-9234-c2cdefda2d1d","keyframes":[{"transform":"scale(1)","offset":0},{"transform":"scale(1.5)","offset":0.33},{"transform":"scale(0.95)","offset":0.66},{"transform":"scale(1)","offset":1}],"delay":0,"duration":1450,"easing":"ease-in-out","fill":"both","iterations":1}] Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting

You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair

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[{"selector":"#anim-28114b03-b5a5-48ca-a195-e88d8b649034 [data-leaf-element=\"true\"]","keyframes":{"transform":["translate(0%, 0%) scale(1.5)","translate(0%, 0%) scale(1)"]},"delay":0,"duration":2000,"easing":"cubic-bezier(.3,0,.55,1)","fill":"forwards"}] The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time

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[{"selector":"#anim-1ee65003-4b16-474c-9008-ed37608c9c11 [data-leaf-element=\"true\"]","keyframes":{"transform":["translate3d(45.676384073220866%, 0, 0) translate(25%, 0%) scale(1.5)","translate3d(0%, 0, 0) translate(0%, 0%) scale(1)"]},"delay":0,"duration":2000,"easing":"cubic-bezier(.14,.34,.47,.9)","fill":"forwards"}] Swipe up for more John Mulaney Quotes swipe up