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Funny Marriage Quotes and Jokes to Make You LOL!

Marriage is such a moment in life where everyone looks happy. There is a glow on everyone’s face because someone is preparing himself to live a new life. Presented Marriage Funny Quotes is about the quirky relationship between husband and wife. Enjoy these funny quotes on marriage and don’t forget to share with your friends. Also, don’t overdo these jokes on your spouse or you might have to sleep outside of your bedroom for a couple of days lol!

Funny Marriage Quotes

  • “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”
  • “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”
  • “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”
  • “The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”
  • “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
  • “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”
  • “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
  • “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
  • “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”
  • “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
  • “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
  • “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
  • “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
  • “Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”
  • “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”
  • “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
  • “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.”
  • “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”
  • Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”
  • “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”
  • “I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”
  • “Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”
  • “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”
Funny marriage jokes

“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”

  • “Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”
  • “Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”
  • “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”
  • “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”
  • “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”
  • “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
  • “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”
  • “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”

You may also like: Best Health is Wealth Quotes to Inspire You to Take Care of Yourself.

  • “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”
  • “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”
  • “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
  • “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
  • “Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”
  • “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
  • “Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.
  • Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
  • Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”
  • My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.
  • Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
  • When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Funny jokes for newly married couple

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

  • Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!
  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
  • What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
  • What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
  • My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
  • Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life
  • Wife renewed me for another season.
  • Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”
  • Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
  • You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.
  • “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
  • Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings
  • “People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.”
  • The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.
  • The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
  • Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?
  • Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
  • The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
  • I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn’t know her first name was “Always”.
Funny marriage jokes one liners

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

  • Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I heard two scoutmasters recently decided to tie the knot.
  • “If I could just say a few words, I’d be a better public speaker!”
  • I was never really aware of how much blood, sweat and tears went into arranging a wedding. Hours of discussion, debate and disagreement—and finally he/she asked me to marry him/her.
  • Do you know why the king of hearts married the Queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
  • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  • The bride and groom began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together – during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better. And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume the groom had her wings clipped
  • My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
  • Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?
  • My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
  • My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
  • Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”


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