HomeQuotes50 Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes & Jokes To Make Your Day

50 Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes & Jokes To Make Your Day

John Emmett Mulaney (born on August 26, 1982) is an American stand-up comedian-actor, writer, and producer. He is well-known for his role as a writer for Saturday Night Live and as a stand-up comic in stand-up comedy specials such as The Top Part (2009), New in Town (2012), The Comeback Kid (2015), and Kid Gorgeous (2018), for which he received the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing for the Variety Special.  Mulaney is also well-known for his musical comedy with the children’s show John Mulaney & the Sack Lunch Bunch (2019) which was made available on Netflix. He was the creator and star of the short-lived Fox sitcom Mulaney (2014-2015), a semi-autobiographical series about his life. Mulaney is famous for his portrayal of George St. Geegland in the comedy duet along with Nick Kroll. They were on TV and Broadway as part of the Broadway show, Oh, Hello on Broadway (2016). Mulaney serves as a co-executive producer, writer, and occasional actor in the IFC mockumentary series title=” Documentary Now. Mulaney is also famous for his voice acting in the role of Andrew Glouberman in the Netflix original animated series Big Mouth. Mulaney made his debut on film in the year 2018 as Peter Porker/Spider-Ham in the Oscar Awards-winning animation feature Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Here are the best 50 hilarious quotes and jokes from John Mulaney that will make you laugh and make your day.

John Mulaney Quotes

  • “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.”-John Mulaney
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  • “My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true.”-John Mulaney
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  • “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I’m pretty self-critical about everything I’ve ever done: stand-up, ‘SNL.'”-John Mulaney
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  • “I don’t look older, I just look worse.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh but I love them so they stay.”-John Mulaney
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John Mulaney quotes about life

“Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”-John Mulaney

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  • “College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?’.”-John Mulaney
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  • “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”-John Mulaney
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  • “Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?'”-John Mulaney
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  • “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.”-John Mulaney
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  • “My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up.”-John Mulaney
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  • “Nick Kroll, A.D. Miles, Chelsea Peretti – those were the people I was always doing open mics with.”-John Mulaney
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  • “Being president looks like the worst job in the world.”-John Mulaney
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  • “My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I look like I was just sitting in a room on a chair eating saltines for, like, 28 years.”-John Mulaney
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  • “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said ‘Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?’ and I said, ‘Yes’, But here’s the thing….”-John Mulaney
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  • “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”-John Mulaney
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John Mulaney quotes about school

“If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.”-John Mulaney

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  • “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”-John Mulaney
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  • “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”-John Mulaney
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  • “When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.”-John Mulaney
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  • “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “Most open-mic experiences I had were okay.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.”-John Mulaney.
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Iconic John Mulaney quotes

“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”-John Mulaney.

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  • “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the ’80s. Every comedian.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, ‘Yeah, you should be nervous.’ Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, ‘Relax. Shut up.’ And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy.”-John Mulaney
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  • “Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?”-John Mulaney
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  • “My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “If it’s something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial.”-John Mulaney.
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You may also like: Sarah Silverman : Top Inspirational and Funny Quotes

  • “When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter… With my friends, I was still an extrovert.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “I have found that people who really want to work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it gets pretty close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it’.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. ‘How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan?'”-John Mulaney.
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  • “Now I get to say, ‘my wife’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’. I’m looking forward to saying it a lot. ‘Get away from my wife!’ ‘No one talk to my wife!’ ‘I didn’t kill my wife!’.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.”-John Mulaney.
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  • “I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it!”-John Mulaney
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  • “You ever seen on ‘America’s Most Wanted’ when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like ‘This is what he would look like now’.”-John Mulaney
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  • “I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, ‘Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?'”-John Mulaney.
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