HomeQuotesThe Funniest Collection of Groucho Marx Quotes

The Funniest Collection of Groucho Marx Quotes

Groucho Marx was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio and television star. Julius Henry (Groucho Marx) was born on 20 October 1890 and died on 19 August 1977. Julius’s mother noticed that he had a beautiful soprano voice as well as the ability to stay on the right note. His initial career objective was becoming a physician but his financial pressures of the family made him drop to leave school at twelve. By the time he was twelve, Julius was a voracious reader, and was particularly fond of Horatio Alger. Marx would go on to overcome his inability to attain formal education by becoming a very proficient reader. Three marriages that Marx had ended with divorce. He was first married to a chorus woman Ruth Johnson (1920-1942). He was 29 while she was just 19 at the day when they got married. They had two children, Arthur Marx and Miriam Marx. The second woman he married was Kay Marvis (1945-1951) Catherine Dittig, born 1945, the former wife of Leo Gorcey. Here we present the most funniest collection of Groucho Marx Quotes that are worth giving a read.

Groucho Marx Quotes

  • “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Patience is the art of finding something else to do.” – Groucho Marx
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Groucho Marx quote

“The only real laughter comes from despair.” – Groucho Marx

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  • “With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces?” – Groucho Marx
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  • “My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Before I speak, I have something important to say.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I intend to live forever, or die trying.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’” – Groucho Marx
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  • “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
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Groucho Marx quotes Funny

“Time wounds all heels.” – Groucho Marx

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  • “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “All people are born alike- except for Republicans and Democrats.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Max
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  • “Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
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  • “She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brain falls out.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Humor is reason gone mad.” – Groucho Marx
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Groucho Marx one-liners

“Blood’s not thicker than money.” – Groucho Marx

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  • “Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I must confess, I was born at a very early age.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men the other 999 follow women.” – Groucho Marx
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  • “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.” – Groucho Marx
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